


Rose Glasses

by Caffeine_Talking



Category: Starfighter (Comic)
Genre: M/M, Neurology & Neuroscience, Psychology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 16:37:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15417132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffeine_Talking/pseuds/Caffeine_Talking
Summary: No one who has ever fallen passionately and deeply in love would dare saying that the selection of our love partner is a free choice.Set during Ch. 04, p. 57-67 of Starfighter comic. My attempt at describing Deimos’ thought process before he tells Cain off.Thoughts, feels and self reflection.I would really appreciate feedback.





	Rose Glasses

 

No one who has ever fallen passionately and deeply in love would dare saying that the selection of our love partner is a free choice. Hell, it can’t even be classified as a well-considered decision. At least not for me, because if I could go back now and slap myself hard enough to make all those thoughts about Cain disappear from my head I would. Unfortunately, it’s pure biology.

When I saw Cain for the first time I knew it was love at first sight because of the way my heart was pounding against my chest unnaturally fast, like it was about to stop on me abruptly. He was so stunning, standing in the doorway with a frown and a cigarette. I was captivated by the way he moved, so fast and smooth, I almost forgot I had a problem on my hands. Now that I think back, it probably was just excess adrenalin floating through my body because those three assholes have cornered me for no good reason. If only I could have met him under different circumstances, or better yet, not meet him at all.

Unbearably loud sound of my own heart beat in my ears when we parted ways that day was quickly replaced by euphoria and I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool every time I thought about him on my way back to the bunks. The following few days were no different. I’m almost ashamed to admit the amount of times I zoned out of reality thinking about him.

Then came the insomnia. I tossed and turned all night, restless, sweating through the sheets while simultaneously annoying the living crap out of those who had the misfortune to share the room with me. I couldn't help it though. Every time I closed my eyes my mind went back to that day. The whole scene replayed in my head over and over again. The way he called after me to get the hell out of there. The way his back muscles rolled under his tight t-short as he ran. The way he slowed down for me to catch up. The way his cheeks were flushed from running and his hair were messy from the fight. The way he leaned against the wall, catching his breath. It was as if I crossed a Rubicon when I followed him into that empty corridor. My whole body felt hot and I bet I was blushing.

Insomnia was followed by emotional dependency, despite us not having a single interaction since the day we first met. How could it not, if all my attention was focused so strongly on Cain and following him around? I watched him as he stood at attention, as he ate in the mess deck, I even followed him into the showers once, but was too shy to actually go in. This powerful romantic desire was below my cognitive thinking, below my emotions, yet it trumped them all. I wanted him, I was motivated by the thought of him, I was focused on him, I craved nothing but him.

Then came the obsession and this twisted, possessive desire to protect. But what else could I have spent on all that heightened energy that I had despite sleep deprivation and lack of food consumption? I was obsessed with him, possessed by him, I was losing my sense of self constantly thinking about him. And the less he concerned himself with me and my feelings, the greater my desire was.

But it all payed off when Cain cornered me after his meeting with Bering, or so I thought. Even back then I knew something wasn’t right about that ordeal but disregarded my gut feeling. I got so excited when he shoved me against the wall that all inhibition came out the window and I wrapped my leg around his waist and arms around his neck in a desperate attempt to get closer. He said we could be a team. If only I knew what that really entailed. God, couldn’t believe I somewhat praised him for turning me down back then, taking his words as him being honest with me.

This rebellious feeling disobedient to reason we call love is known to men since the beginning of time. One would think that centuries of human evolution followed by decades of genetic engineering would prep us for selecting the perfect mate based on fully conscious bias, but no. This severe infatuation with someone has nothing to do with logical thinking. It’s more of an addiction really, especially considering the withdrawal symptoms I experienced when I was forced to go without him for a prolonged period of time after he was assigned to his first navigator. I felt so anxious and powerless, like I was diminished, reduced to nothing as a human being, abandoned and neglected. I thought I was unworthy and that the whole world was out to get me.

But the addictive, drug-like rush I got from being around him was so pleasurable, almost painful, that I somehow convinced myself that all those brief meet-ups when I reported to him about his ‘girlfriends’ as he liked to call them were worth it. Cain made it easy to be honest. He’d let me whisper in his ear, he’d put his hand around my waist, he even let me sit in his lap once when he was in a particularly good mood. Him never caring about his navigators played into my fantasies perfectly. He never called them by their names, never wanted to be around them if it wasn't behind the closed doors, they never meant anything to him. That fucked with my head so much… I was consumed by the fire of my love for Cain and the idea of his love for me. The pain I experienced just added a certain edge to the sensation.

Human brain is an astonishing mechanism. Of course, we’re nothing but big animals, yet what makes us humans so damn special is that we have cognition and beliefs. Their possession trumps most of our biological and hardware processes. That sounds exciting unless you dig deeper and realize that our beliefs are not evidence-based. Contrary to what most people think, we first form our beliefs based on subjective reasons that are often irrational and unconscious and only then we infuse those beliefs with logic and reason. For instance, I first made myself believe that Cain loved me in his own way and then, little by little, gathered enough evidence to support that premise. Weeks went by before my memory filled with enough of his glances and touches to assure myself that whatever I already believed was true.

In other words, beliefs are just sensory data that our brain finds patterns in and gives them meaning and intention. Like the way I was convinced Cain chose me to follow his navigators around wasn’t a coincidence. He must have thought that through. He wouldn’t ask someone he despised to be his eyes and ears I thought to myself. He definitely saw something in me, just like I saw something in him. What a fool I was.

Facts gathered from the outside world get censored by our brain through ideologies we have acquired in our lifetime. I’m sure all the hell I went through on the Red Planet could be held accountable for the way I perceive reality here if the single kind thing Cain did for me sent me down the spiral.

Facts that support our belief system get through, while facts that are in disagreement with what we already believe in are ignored. Like the way Cain always leaned in closer, letting me whisper in his ear while clenching onto him for dear life stayed fresh in my mind for weeks, while the fact that he was obviously fucking his navigators just went over my head. At least it was like that before _he_ came.

At first, I tried my best to ignore the way Cain insisted on sitting at the same table with Abel, which he has never done before with any of the others. I all but convinced myself that it was yet another way to isolate and break the navigator. This was the part of defense mechanisms called rationalization and repression that are implemented by our brain when contradictory sets of evidence are presented. I couldn't both believe that Cain was in love with me and accept how submissive he was to Abel, so my brain scratched out the later and went with the most probable set of evidence that was consistent with what I already believed in and what made sense to me. This resulted in the creation of fictional evidence and false belief that Cain cared for me and would want nothing to do with Abel if he had a choice.

Him getting handsy with me helped convince me even further. He planted little touches here and there as he passed me in the corridors or would even tell other fighters off when they were staring at me for too long. This is something The Philosopher refers to as ‘post hoc interpreting process’. It means that we are prone to building theories about ourselves and past events based on information we’ve obtained recently, like Cain’s hand sliding down my thigh under the table, despite Abel sitting across from us meant that he cared. Then we create meaning in past events believing it to be true while operating on faulty bias.

Balance theory states that our preferences are influenced by our peers in a way that makes us allocate our preferences towards objects that are preferred by people that we like and away from objects preferred by people we dislike. I thought it was bullshit at first. Because Cain was obviously fond of Abel, at some point even I couldn’t deny that, and I was hopelessly in love with Cain, yet I couldn’t stand this blond fucker.

A supposed triadic relationship must have been created between me, Abel as an evaluated object and Cain. My opinion of Abel must have been based on my attitude towards him, my attitude towards Cain and Cain’s attitude towards Abel. To make the triadic relationship balanced I must have liked Abel because I loved Cain and Cain liked Abel. Or I should have change my outlook on Cain in order to restore the balance, which I thought was impossible at first. Thanks fuck this cognitive dissonance couldn’t last forever and soon enough I started to see the real Cain.

My need for rosier view was no longer satisfied by my brain and I finally saw things for what they were. The way he snorted every time I leaned closer to whisper something in his ear no longer seemed endearing. The way he shoved me off every time after I was done talking could no longer escape my mind. The rollercoaster of emotions that came with loving Cain was stressful and soon became too much for me to bear. My conscious judgement kicked in and I knew that I was done. I had to be for my own sanity.

When I entered the bay Cain was already there leaning against the wall, his arms crossed at the chest. He was banging at the floor with the tip of his boot impatiently.

“Finally!” he said, peeling himself off the wall. “What took you so long?” He looked angry and disappointed with me, which made me feel even worse about what I was about to say. “You really fucked up before, you know that?” Cain continued. “I found Abel by the dorms, talking to Praxis. Fucking Praxis! You’re supposed to be watching him,” he said, turning away from me, eyeing something on the other side of the room. “Praxis could have ruined everything!” I lowered my gaze, staring at the floor. “You need to keep a better eye on Abel. I can’t lose him, not now-”

“No,” I said, fed up with both him and myself.

“No, what?” Cain looked back at me, unsure of what I meant.

“I’m not doing this anymore.”

“What the fuck did you say?”

“You changed,” I said, finally loosing it. It was supposed to be short and sweet like ‘sorry, don’t have time for your bullshit, bye’ kind of talk. But I underestimated the amount of acting skills I would need to do that. So here I was, saying out loud all that bothered me for weeks. “All other navigators you had. You never called them by their names. They never meant anything to you. But with this one…” I thought back to how Cain’s lips curled into a smile when he watched Abel in the mess deck and frowned. “I’m a fighter just like you. I’m from the colonies,” I said, closing the distance between us. “We should be together.” I said and then we were kissing.

Like hell we were. But lying in bed now and thinking back to what happened today I’ve decided that if this encounter is gonna replay in my head for weeks, might as well make the ending pleasant. Might as well imagine Cain kissing me, not shoving me against the wall and telling me how pathetic I was. Still can’t believe he cares about this blond bastard. Fucking liar.


End file.
